Why it's not sexy to ask for consent
‘Consent is sexy’
It’s a popular and supposedly empowering slogan you’ll see posted by some influencers who want to promote decent sexual education. Except it’s not educational at all and can do more harm than good.
Consent in sex is not sexy, it’s mandatory. Sexual consent is a way to establish whether someone you’re having sex with willing and able to engage in sexual activity. Without clear and full informed consent, sexual contact with this person could make you liable for assault or rape. Consent is fundamental to the very definition of sex and to call it ‘sexy’ is to pretend as if it’s a new trend that we’re suddenly learning about for the first time and trying to sell to the masses by dressing it up as a cute add-on to sexual experience.
Let me be clear: sex without consent is rape. Consent is not sexy, it’s mandatory.
Consent isn’t sexy, but it’s not boring with formal contracts that need to be signed with black ink either. Consent can be funny, consent can be quick, and consent can be awkward but most importantly consent is simple, and this here’s exactly how it’s done.
To gain consent you should…
Have a conversation before engaging in sex about you and your partner’s boundaries
Sex is fun, but it’s also a deeply intimate act that allows you connect with someone and be vulnerable, so it’s important that you’re aware of what your partner likes and doesn’t like.
Asking your partner about what they like not only helps you to perform better during sex, but it also lets them know that you’re concerned about their needs.
If you find yourself uncomfortable doing some of the things your partner likes, you can also tell them. If you really want your partner to do something, this discussion is also a good time to bring that up, so they know for future reference.
Gain verbal consent during sex
Although your partner may have expressed interest in being intimate yesterday, that doesn’t mean that past consent is valid today. Check in on them just before and during sex to make sure they are giving fully informed consent. This can be done very easily through asking simple questions such as:
“Can I touch you here?”
“Do you want me to ________?”
“Is this okay?”
“Do you like that?”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Are you okay?
“You good?”
Questions like this are the best way of gaining consent as they encourage a straightforward ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response. Doesn’t get simpler than that.
Have a safe word
If necessary, pick a random word (e.g. watermelon) to be your ‘safe word’ that you say when you are uncomfortable during sex or want to stop. It’s easy to get caught up in the mood and take things too far so it’s good to have a clear indicator to stop in this situation.
Make sure your partner is okay with saying no
Saying no can be hard sometimes, and people can struggle with is for all sorts of reasons. This is why its especially important to remind your partner that you respect their boundaries and that it’s okay to say no. you can do this through saying things like:
“Are you sure you want to do this? We could always just_________”
“If you don’t want to, that’s fine!
“Just tell me you’re uncomfortable if you stop enjoying it”
To gain consent you should NOT…
Assume that silence means ‘yes’
Body language is something we all use to communicate different emotions without needing words, although sometimes they can be confusing.
For example, if someone is lying stiffly during sex, it may be easy to assume that they are providing consent, but if someone is uncomfortable, too afraid to move and struggling to verbally express this, their body language can look exactly the same.
Examples of negative body language include your partner pushing you away, closing their legs, folding their arms, moving away, looking away, not paying attention or trying not to move.
Body language can be tricky, but words are always clear. Check in on your partner to make sure they’re okay.
Do favours for your partner to gain sex
If you see a pretty girl at the bar and buy her a drink, or if you comfort her whilst she’s upset, she is not obligated to sleep with you. She does not owe you sex. She is not ‘leading you on’. You have not been put into the ‘friendzone’ either - the idea of the friendzone is false and encourages the idea that ‘nice-guy’ actions are deserving of sex as if it were a deserved reward.
There is not a single person in the world that owes you sex, and if a woman rejects your offer to have sex then that is her decision that she should not be pressured to change. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or that she doesn’t like you, it simply means she does not want to have sex. And that’s okay.
Wait until your partner is under the influence of alcohol or drugs before making a move
This is a huge misconception that I’ve seen too many young people, particularly young boys, misinterpret. In order for consent to be valid, it must can only be given by someone who is capable of critical thinking and decision making, which may not be possible for someone who is intoxicated.
If you genuinely believed that they would give consent if they were both sober and drunk, you would ask them whilst they were sober. By waiting until someone is intoxicated and unable to think rationally to make sexual advances, you’re intentionally preying upon them in a vulnerable state because you know that they would not otherwise provide consent. If you cared about the person, you would wait until they have sobered up and are aware of events happening to and around them before engaging in sexual activity.
Refuse to stop if your partner changes their mind
Consent given yesterday isn’t valid today and consent given an hour ago might not be valid now. Sex is supposed to fun, and if your partner says they are uncomfortable and don’t want to have sex anymore, you shouldn’t pressure them to continue.