13 relationship red flags you shouldn't ignore
Updated: May 23, 2020
It can be fun getting to know someone new for the first time, and when we start to build an attachment to people we date, it can be all too easy to fall into the trap of brushing off negative behaviours as someone’s ‘small quirks’ until they start to become a problem.
We all have things about us that make us hard to love – its’ an unfortunate weakness of being human – and it’s not always a reason to stop getting to know someone. When someone’s actions don’t grant you the level of (immense) respect that you deserve, however, then you need to start thinking about what whether this relationship is really for you.
What kind of negative ‘red flag’ behaviours should you be on the lookout for? I went to relationship experts to find out:
General red flag behaviours
Rudeness
“If someone is rude from the start, it won't change.” - Kathryn Ewers, M.S., MFT, CPET, Individual & Relational Therapist
It’s all well and good to dissolve tension on a first date with a bit of humour, and no relationship is complete without a healthy roast-romance balance, but when jokes start turning to personal attacks or insults that are offensive, that’s crossing the line.
They who don’t make time for you
Are they taking two days to reply to every text you send? Are they always late to dates that you’ve planned? Are you always the one to arrange dates with them? Do you find them never being free to meet up because they’re always busy?
It may be unintentional, but these behaviours may also be a sign of disinterest from your partner if they persist over a period of time and are definitely worth addressing.
They are overly possessive
“If they are telling you how to act, what to wear, what to order at a restaurant, etc early on, it’s time to get out because the controlling behaviour will on get worse.” - Dana Lynne, creator of Spark Now App
This might be someone who demands to know where you’re going every time you are without them or maybe they ask to go through your phone to look at who you’ve been texting. Perhaps you find yourself having to choose between your partner and your friends quite a lot or having to constantly message your partner whilst you’re with your friends. A partner may also be possessive if they want to be involved in every decision you make or try to control how you dress when you go out so you’re not ‘showing too much’.
“These behaviours are usually indicators of dysfunction within a person and pursuing relationships with people with such behaviours can lead to dysfunctional relationship dynamics” - Mercedes Coffman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
They are overly critical about their exes
“Naturally, most individuals are not going to be too fond of their former lover, but really pay attention to how they speak about them and what words they say.” - Dana Lynne
If your partner talks about their partners in the following ways, it might be a problem:
‘My exes were all crazy’
‘Toxic people just keep finding me and bringing me down I don’t understand it’
‘My only flaw in my last relationship was that I was too nice’
The problem with the above responses is that they place the entirety of the blame for relationship failure on the other person and show a lack of accountability for your partner’s own actions. They are always the victim and are never at fault. This mentality can lead to avoidable arguments further down the road as they blame everyone around them for their own actions. A much better response to questions about their past relationships would go as follows:
‘I’ve had some bad relationships in the past because of personal flaws in me that attracted other people with similar or worse flaws, but I’ve learnt what I did wrong with my ex and have worked to improve myself so that problem stays in the past’
Here, the person is taking responsibility for their own actions, whilst acknowledging that there were other factors leading to the breakdown of their relationship. They have explained that they have flaws but recognise their flaws and actively work on improving themselves, so the problems of the past don’t become problems in the present.
They are always the centre of attention and affection
You’re always the one organising dates. They are always needed to be comforted and cared for instead of it being an equal trade. You’re always the one putting more effort into the relationship and you come away drained as a result.
They are dependent on you
“It’s important to avoid falling into a co-dependent relationship, meaning that one person may feel guilty if they are engaging in activity or something without their other partner. Another co-dependent red flag could be that you are constantly relying on your partner to give you that sense of reassurance. A way to prevent this is to talk about expectations and to be able to set healthy boundaries for each other.” - Priscilla Rodriguez, M.S., Licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of modern wellness counselling
They are rude to customer service workers
The way your date treats a stranger that is serving them (such as a waiter or cleaner) may be a large indicator of how they are willing to treat you or people they don’t know that are close to you. If they lose their temper with waiting staff easily, it may also be an indicator of a lack of patience and empathy for others. Not good traits.
They are not looking for a serious relationship
“If you’re secretly hoping for something more with this guy, or know that you’d prefer something more serious, don’t hang around hoping this guy changes his mind. There are plenty of great guys out there looking for the same thing as you.” - Isiah McKimmie, couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist.
They don’t communicate their feelings to you when they’re upset (stonewalling)
‘Nothing ever goes right when you avoid discussing how something they did hurt you. This will only fester and can lead to resentment’ - Kathryn Ewers
They insist on taking pictures on the first date
If, on the first date or in the early stages of dating, they consistently document everything you do through photos and videos to post online, it may be a sign that they care more about the idea or the image of how a relationship looks to others than they do about being with you.
They are distracted when spending time with you
This includes being on the phone when with you, daydreaming consistently and not listening or responding to conversation.
"If they can't pay attention to you on a date, they aren't going to pay attention to you when it comes to more committed experiences.” – Kathryn Ewers
They always lie
We all tell little white lies sometimes (e.g. "You look GREAT in that outfit!") but if your partner can't be honest with you from the start about their name, age, height, hobbies, likes and dislikes, they won't be honest about other things later in the relationship.
"These behaviors are toxic because they create a relationship not rooted in safety— emotionally or physically. The person on the receiving end starts to slowly get broken down and take on the blame." - Erica James, Couples Therapist
You justify their bad behaviour
My personal rule for how to judge if someone is a good partner is simple: if I can’t tell my parents how well you treat me and how you’re a good influence then what’s the point? If you find yourself lying about someone’s bad behaviour, there’s probably a big reason why.
There’s plenty of red flags, but let’s not forget to look for positive behaviours too.
Green flag behaviours
“Similarity” - Adaobi Azodo
You both share a lot of interests in common. Maybe you’re both artistic, or have the same sense of humour, or you have similar values. You have genuine interests that you share together, and you can bond over these things.
“Another great trait to look out for is simply how happy they are in general” – Dana Lynne
“Positive people generally want to treat others well, which is the best way to be! If they’re always looking at the glass half full then they’re going to be a great partner”
“For polyamorous couples, the conversation on boundaries is really important!” - Priscilla Rodriguez
It’s important to establish boundaries in a polyamorous relationship. Are all partners involved comfortable with polyamory? Is your partner comfortable with you engaging in sexual activity with other partners?
“It can become toxic when the person with a monogamy belief is in the polyamorous relationship out of fear that they may lose their partner.”
"Emotional maturity" - Erica James
"The person is able to hold space for your feelings. They empathize and understand you in a way where there isn’t judgment."
“Reliable” - Mercedes Coffman
When this person says they want to do something, they do it. They’re there to comfort you and be there for you.
“He knows what consent is and practices it” - Isiah McKimmie
Your partner doesn’t pressure you to have sex before you’re ready. They ask for your consent before engaging in sexual activity and recognise that consent is mandatory to receive before having sex.
“They ask you about who you are, they attempt to get to know you” - Kathryn Ewers
When you’re on a date, they don’t just monologue about themselves for the entirety of your time together. They make an effort to get to know you, asking you questions about your likes, dislikes, and your life in general.