Feeling lonely at uni? You’re not alone

We prepare for cooking by buying plates and cups, we prepare for paying accommodation fees by budgeting and we prepare for workloads by organising events in a diary, but no one tells us how to prepare for loneliness.

“University will be the best years of your life!”

“You’re most likely going to meet your husband of wife at uni!”

“All the friends I talk to now are ones I met at university!”

From the time we are accepted into university, we are bombarded with optimistic praises from post- graduates and adults that it was the best years of their life and we have so much to look forward to. Stereotypical American films about the average teens finding the love of their life and being the life of the party at a different club every night drill unrealistic expectations into our minds about a utopian lifestyle that we ultimately can’t achieve. In reality, most first years will spend hundreds of pounds to attend overpriced events in the hopes of meeting their lifelong friends in the first week but will most likely never again see any of the people they met at freshers’ events. I’m part of that group.

We prepare for cooking by buying plates and cups, we prepare for paying accommodation fees by budgeting and we prepare for workloads by organising events in a diary, but no one tells us how to prepare for loneliness.

Personal experience

Before starting university, I was filled with excitement and fear about what was so come. From one sibling, I was told stories of how she met her current closest friends and husband at university within her first two years of study. There’s hope.

From another sibling I was told stories of how he hated the entire experience and didn’t think much of it. Less hopeful.

So, I was afraid. Socially, sixth form was insufferable as, although I was part of large friendship group, there was such little social diversity that I struggled to find people that were truly like me and I felt incredibly isolated. I didn’t want the same for university, so I waited, laptop open, eyes fixed to the screen, waiting for tickets to drop for Freshers’ week events. The price of expensive wristbands that were supposed to guarantee entry to all these events was enough to make a man cry (tip – they’re a waste of money unless you’re wealthy enough to not worry about being frugal) so I opted for individual tickets to as many events as I could get.

As a commuter from home, I felt extra pressure to attend SU nights and student Facebook pages were flooded with London commuters with the same worry but no comforting words to say since none of us knew what would be coming.

Here is how my Freshers’ experience went in a nutshell: I didn’t recognise anyone who was performing at any of the RnB nights and when people shouted lyrics to drill music in my face I just awkwardly danced and did gun hand signs until they stopped. I soon learned that there is a time and place for twerking – not at pop or drum and bass nights. I hung out with countless people and followed them all on Instagram to stay in touch but never heard from them again – at this point I’m not sure if half of them even go to the university. I have a ‘Lauren’ and an ‘Isabelle’ saved in my phone. I do not know anyone called Lauren or Isabelle.

The tickets allowed me to socialise with different types of people and enjoy (some of) the nights out, but my life would be no different if I hadn’t bought a single one. There is NO pressure to go out every night during Freshers’ week.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I find myself walking home after a day of lectures, upset and with a pain in my chest. I’d spent the day with my newest set of friends but didn’t feel like I fit in with them. As soon as I got home, I wrote in my journal to reflect and unpack where these feelings may be coming from. My thoughts went something like this:

“I’m upset and feel lonely… like the odd one out. My friends always talk about memories I’m not involved in and I hate fake laughing at their jokes. I never fit in because I’m weird”.

This is, of course, the wrong perspective to have on a situation like this yet it is one we find ourselves initially reacting with. Maybe we don’t like our flatmates, or we find it hard to approach people. We blame ourselves and call ourselves names which makes us feel bad, so we hide which makes us feel even worse, leading to a vicious cycle.

But we can break this with a shifted perspective.

The reason why we may feel lonely is because although there are people like us that we can bond with, there are often hoards of others that aren’t so it can sometimes take a while to find those that end up being great friends. It sucks, I know. But we must put in the work to make ourselves available to meet people by going to societies and events. Even if we don’t, simply having the courage to strike up conversations with strangers can lead to wonderful things. Think about all the times you’ve seen someone you want to talk to and haven’t approached them. Now think how many people could be looking at you, waiting for you to approach them?

The worst-case scenario is they don’t feel the same way and you move on. At the moment, one of my best friends is a girl in my lecture hall to whom I said I’d seen her around and knew her as the girl with the nice jacket. Sometimes it’s that simple, no overthinking necessary.

If loneliness is so common, why don’t we talk about it?

Loneliness affects everyone in the world at some point. In its worst cases, it can affect chronic health problems such as diabetes, sleep and coronary artery disease. So why are we ashamed to talk about it? As social mammals, we crave acceptance and avoid rejection. We all want to put our best image forward, and it can sometimes feel like we have failed in some way to admit this issue.

Young people in particular place unrealistic expectations upon themselves. Today, we live in a society where texts can be sent across the globe in seconds, Instagram is bursting pictures of people in large friendship groups and Tinder is so inviting so of course taking a month or more to find people you can bond with may feel like an eternity. But know that not everything happens so easily and quickly.

How we can help ourselves

• Don’t stay cooped up in your room

My closest friends in first year live in shared accommodation. It took me a while to make friends with people outside this accommodation. This is because I spend 90% of my time in shared accommodation. There is a clear pattern. When you stay in one room for an entire term, you are not giving yourself the chance to meet people and make new connections.

• Join a sports team or society

The purpose of societies and sports teams is to allow people with common interests to socialise. Poets belong in the poetry society to meet other poets; Pokémon fans meet other Pokémon fans in Pokémon society and so on. Even if you only attend one meeting, the experience of being in an environment with people that share a common interest is one that everyone should have at some point during their course.

• Pick your venues wisely

If you are interested in witchcraft, odds are stacked against you finding other witches in Catholic society. Go to SU, pub, or society nights that YOU enjoy because if someone has the same interest then they will also be there. If I want to meet other people of colour, then the best society to go to is the Afro Caribbean Society or the Women of Colour Society.

• Accept that you won’t have the same friends for the entirety of your course

As much as we socialise and meet people during fresher’s week, the odds are that we will ultimately never hear from these people again. The first set of friends you make will probably not be your last, and even if they are, we shouldn’t limit ourselves to only speaking to two people when our campus may hold hundreds or thousands of potential friends or other connections. If you feel like the friends you make aren’t right for you, it is never too late to find others. Freshers week is not the only time to make friends and there is always an opportunity to meet new people, even if its in the middle of your final year.

• Know that you are not alone

There are hoards of people feeling exactly the same way as you although they may not publicly declare it because of social stigmas of shame in regard to talking about emotional struggles. I hope that in the comments you may feel free to discuss your own experiences with loneliness or at least feel comforted by this article.

What if these feelings get too much?

If feelings of isolation become overwhelming, speak to the Student Union or consult your university website about booking an appointment with a counsellor on campus.

For more information, see our Resources page.

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