How to help a friend struggling with mental health issues

A no BS guide on helping friends in self-isolation whilst setting boundaries

We’ve all been there – it’s 11pm, you’re lying in bed and your phone rings.

Your friend is calling, upset, to rant or get advice about a problem they’ve been having.

Maybe they had a fight with their friend. Maybe they worry they are depressed. Maybe they live in unfortunate circumstances.

You stare at the screen, debating whether or not to pick up. If you do, you’ll just end up hearing the same problem you’ve already heard every day for a week, and it will tire you out. If you don’t, you’ll feel guilty for abandoning your friend.

What do you do?

First of all, know that you are a good and kind person for helping out your friend in the first place. We have all been in situations where we have needed someone to reach out and talk to, and for this person, you have made their struggles easier to cope with by giving advice and allowing them to talk freely about their emotions, but it is equally important that you care for yourself too.

How can I help whilst at home?

Take their feelings seriously

Illnesses such as depression can often affect every aspect of someone’s life, reducing motivation to carry out everyday tasks and causing feelings of helplessness and deep sadness in sufferers, so it is not helpful to suggest that sufferers simply ‘stop being sad’ or ‘get over it’.

It is much better to offer your time and listen to what affects your friends or to simply ask if you can hang out to do things that distract both of you.

Make time to listen whilst undistracted

When we’re upset and revealing sensitive information about ourselves, all we want is someone who will listen and not judge. Put aside any distractions, make sure you don’t have any immediate plans to do anything and give your friend your undivided attention.

If your friend needs a little help getting started, you can ask questions like:

• ‘What’s on your mind?’

• ‘How are you feeling?’

• ‘Do you need to rant?’

If they don’t feel ready to talk, though, don’t push them. Just let them know you’ll be there for them if they’re upset and feel comfortable coming to you.

Encourage them to help themselves

“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch fish, and you feed him for a lifetime”

The purpose of helping people isn’t to fix their problems, but to give them the tools to help themselves, otherwise they learn nothing and depend on us.

If you feel like your friend’s situation is serious enough to need it, do not hesitate to recommend seeking professional help from their GP as soon as possible or by recommending hotlines (e.g. ChildLine), websites (e.g. 7cups.com), books and organisations (e.g. CAMHS).

If they can’t go to their GP, ask if they have any trusted adults or counsellors that may be able to help

What if helping my friend gets too much for me?

Set boundaries

“It is important in setting boundaries to identify your basic human rights,” - Judith Belmont, mental health author

As much as you love your friend, you will not be there for them all the time and cannot help them every single time they are upset.it is important to be clear about your limits. For example, you might not want to answer phone calls at night, talk about issues that trigger you or advise your friend when you yourself are upset.

It is also important to learn how to set boundaries assertively without being aggressive.

An example of aggressive communication might be:

“Stop bothering me about your problems all the time!”

Whereas it would be more effective to say:

"I feel like when you call me as often as you do for emotional help, it can become overwhelming for me. Right now, I need time to relax and manage my own emotional situation.”

Take care of yourself

Monitor your mood and stress levels to track how you’re doing. If you find that, since helping your friend, your mood is poor when its usually quite high, it may be time to set new boundaries or step back as a supporter for your friend as its having a negative effect on your mental health.

Don’t feel guilty for saying ‘no’

You undeniably love your friend, but maybe you can’t give them the support they need and are struggling to learn how to say ‘no’. Something my mum has always told me that I now stand by is:

“You are not a licensed counsellor who’s job it is to help vulnerable people. You have not been specially trained to deal with this situation. You are just a good person with a kind heart who is being emotionally drained and is putting themselves at risk by overextending themselves’.

It is okay to want to help your friend, but you must recognise that you have your limits. It is not fair on you to be expected to offer advice and be a listening ear at every hour of the day or six times in one day or when you’re not feeling good yourself.

Ask for help

If you need to, don’t be afraid to talk to adults you trust, counsellors or even your GP for help.

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